A Patriotic Halloween With Key & Peele

I’m standing in a house with Keegan- Michael Key. He is forcing me to slice open my hand with a blade. I keep lightly running the blade along my hand as if to fool him about cutting myself. He isn’t even slightly convinced. He grabs the blade and presses it deep into my hand. Blood begins to drip down, past my wrists and forearm. He continues to make several lacerations in my hand along the natural lines that are already formed.

There are others in the house that were cut up as well. All of these zombied out people were walking through the house like an assembly line. One guy happened to notice another guy in a separate line who looked exactly like him. He was freaking out in amusement but the other guy was unfazed.

Some unaccounted traveling occurred and I found myself standing in a parking lot with both Key and Peele. We’re on our way to a Halloween party. We had to stop at Key’s girlfriend’s car just before going inside (Key’s girlfriend just happened to be my ex). Key unlocked the car and was looking for something upfront, meanwhile, I’m in the back. I opened up the hatchback to dig through her grocery bag. I pull out a tall box of Fruit-o’s (the generic version of Fruit Loops). They came in a cardboard box like the goldfish snack. I started to snack on them and Key got angry because I was going through her stuff. He took the car out of park, shut the doors, stuck his foot to the rear bumper and gave the car a good push forward. The car began to coast through the parking lot in the direction of a few parked cars. As we were walking, he was questioning me about it. “You’re mad because I knew they were in there, but now you want some Fruity-o’s too?” I asked. “Yeah, I do actually.” He responded. So Key turned toward the grocery store as Peele and I continued toward the party. We ended up in the grocery store as well, somehow.

I was alone, walking through the household cleaners aisle before ending up with a shopping cart in the produce section. I already had several items in my cart. The one of significance was the last box of Little Debbie chocolate cupcake snacks. I was briefly distracted from my cart when someone approached me from behind, and so I turned around. The stranger asked if I could make them a copy of The Emperor’s New Groove. I disregarded them and turn back just in time to see my snack cakes were taken. The culprit was a woman standing by the apple section. I walked up behind her and when she turned away, I snuck around to grab the snacks. I threw them over her shoulder as she was turning to look back at me. I immediately fell to the floor and started shaking violently as part of my act. She walked away and I left the store.

Fast forward and I’m sitting around a table at the party with the variety of people to include Key and Peele, all dressed in costumes. Someone at the table was asking me about the cuts on my hand, So I explain the story. An Asian man sat down at the empty seat to the right of me. He seemed to be the only person not dressed for the occasion. We all began inquiring about who he was supposed to be. He explained, “I’m the Asian actor who failed at country singing.” I said something stupid to the effect of “Didn’t everyone fail at country singing?” I heard him quietly mumble what sounded, to me, like Jude Law. Everyone responded with the same confused remark. “Did you just say Jude Law?” I added in at that point “I thought for sure you were going to say Jet Li.” We started a back-and-forth discussion about Jet Li and the movie The One.

It was around that time that some chubby kid walked up to our table and pulled the U.S. flag from the flagpole that was upright in the center of the table. Just as quickly as he walked up, he was walking away. Confused, I quickly reacted by grabbing a boot that was down by my feet, stood up and prepared to hurl it at the back of his head. He stopped at the edge of a flight of stairs, so I rushed over to him. I got in his face and began to question him as he pointed to the ceremony that was taking place at the foot of the stairs. I couldn’t comprehend what was happening except that it looked like a game show. At the center of the stage, I could see the kid was already draping the flag over a large box that had shiny, colorful material all around, and sparklers lit up behind it.

And then I woke up.

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